FUN TIMES WITH THE WILSON FAMILY!
by max acorn
Summary: what happens when everyone's favorite insane mercenary opens a interdimensional restaurant with his crazy family? HILARITY! warning: what you are about to read is possible the most batshit insane thing i have ever written with more crossovers than i can fit in this summery box. read at your own risk. enjoy! :D


MA: hey guys. I'm taking a small break from working on my book and my other fics to do something I've always wanted to do. You see, on the CBR rumbles forum, we've have a running story line that has gotten so large I couldn't even begin to describe it to you. So I figured I should just write it out. This is my first full on comedy that crosses over with a ton of different fandoms. I don't own any of them, save for the character jack-jack. So before Deadpool kills me, let's get this insane work of fiction started!

FUN TIMES WITH THE WILSON FAMILY

* * *

'The Wilsons' all you can eat family style restaurant'.

Or simply 'wade's' to some people.

It was a restaurant like an other, owned and operated by a single family with various friends working with them to make it a success. Normally something like that would not make for a interesting story but this eatery is probably the most unique place you will ever have the misfortune to dine in. you see, this restaurant exists in a rare inter-dimension cross slide where all known and unknown realities converge. What does this mean? Why, dear reader, it means that nearly anyone and everyone can partake in the fine cuisine of this establishment. That is, unless they can survive the dangerous and insane events that seem to flow endlessly to this place like flies to a rotting corpse.

"Enough with the descriptions already! Get to me already!"

I have to put in the setting or it won't make sense.

"Just put me in there. The readers will get it."

I'm not a hack like you.

"I'm not a hack. I write fan fiction too, ya know."

I know. I've read it. It's just 120 chapters of you having sex with Bea Arthur.

"Better than '50 shades'."

…...good point.

"Now get to me already. You're trying to impress that hot chick from the fanfic group on Facebook. I help with that."

I don't need you messing with my personal life, wade.

"She's a good writer too. Normally, ol' wade isn't one for the whole guy-on-guy thing but she does a good job. Almost makes wanna jump teams. Hmmm I wonder if I'd be a top or a bottom. Hmmmmmm bottom. Sometimes a guy just wants to be pounded in the ass like a bitch."

Ok, I don't need the image of you getting screwed in the ass in my head.

"That can be fixed by introducing me."

Fine. I'll introduce you right now.

"YAY! Now remember to get my good side, which is all of my sides."

This...fun character is the owner of the restaurant, Wade Winston Wilson, otherwise known as Deadpool. A mercenary from the Marvel universe, he possessed incredible regenerative powers and an awareness of his status as a fictional character.

"THEY KNOW ALL THAT! GET TO THE STORY!"

…...As you can see, he makes for a interesting subject to wrote for.

Anyway, we find the 'Merc with the Mouth' strolled through the main dinning area of his restaurant Normally, it would be full to capacity with all sorts of colorfully characters: heroes, villains, anti-heroes, psychopaths, gods, goddesses, demons, aliens, and chickens. But not tonight. Why? Because it was time for the weekly staff meeting, which Wade was always late for. This time, he spent the last few days looking for 'Suplex City', after watching the Wrestle-mania match featuring Brock Lesnar 10 times in a row.

"i just wanted to pay my respect to the mayor of Suplex city."

As I was saying, Wade was always late for these meeting for one reason or another so the other employees were quite use to it but it didn't mean that they really liked it. Wade strolled through the large room and made his way back to the staff room where everyone was waiting.

"honey! I'm home-" his greeting was interrupted by the fist of a very angry looking woman: she was fairly attractive with black hair tied into box braids, a curvy, well-toned figure with an ample chest, and fair, almost pearl white skin. Her attire was consisted of a white long collar blouse with a flowing backside, form fitting gray slacks, and open-toed sandals on her feet. Her face was awash with rage and annoyance. Her mood was evident the moment she spoke.

"YOU'RE LATE, YOU IDIOT!" she roared, seeming almost like a dragon in human skin. Wade popped back up like nothing happened.

"Hey babe. Sorry I'm late. I had to go run an errand."

"For the last time, Suplex city doesn't exist."

"That's what they said about the G-spot. I found that."

The woman pinched the bridge of nose, shaking her head slightly as the slight migraine she had been fostering was getting worse. "just get in the goddamn room, Wade."

"can do, love of my life!" he said with a smile, not that you could tell with his ever present red and black mask.

This woman was Izumi Curtis. The same Izumi Curtis from 'Full Metal Alchemist'. Sorry. I made a slight mistake. Her full name is Izumi Curtis Wilson. She is Wade's wife. Now you are probably asking why a woman as no nonsense as Izumi would marry a man who makes The Joker look like batman in terms of pure bat-shit craziness. Well, it started when they met in the deli she owed with her former husband Sieg. Deadpool walked in for a large order of meat, for his meat armor he was making for a job, and fell head over heels for the alchemist. By his own words, "Her tits are amazing". They married shortly after Sieg died in a tragic accident: stabbed 110 times, shot 145 times, doused with gasoline, set on fire and thrown into 10 lanes of oncoming traffic.

Such a terrible accident.

As to why Izumi stays married to this psychopath, the reasons are 3-fold.

1: the sex is amazing. Despite his goofball personality and rather hideous looks, when it came to pleasing a woman, Wade knew exactly what he was doing.

2: financial stability. Between his years as a mercenary and the revenue from the restaurant, the Wilsons had a sizable bank account.

3: Jack-jack. Their son together. She didn't know how he did it exactly, claiming to have called in a few favors with Reed Richards and Dr. Strange, but she was pleasantly surprised when she learned that they were expecting a child.

The smallest Wilson was in his high chair near the large conference table that had all the employees seated around it, strangling his teddy bear, beetle-guise. Deadpool took his seat at the head of the table with Izumi taking her seat next to him as the manager. Everyone knew that she really ran the place since her husband was an demented nitwit. If anyone needed something done or had an issue, they went to Izumi

"Now that we are all here," he began, "I want to know the truth. Which one of you shot J.R.?"

He was answered with a collection of groans, sighs, curses, and obscene gestures.

"This is a staff meeting, wade," said Izumi. "Not to find out who shot someone."

"Then...who shot J.R.?" he asked, genuinely curious as to the answer.

"I don't know," she answered, "You did."

"I did?"

"Yes, honey. Shot him good."

"Great!" he said suddenly chipper, "Never liked that guy. Arrogant Texas prick! Now with that bit of business out of the way, let's get this meeting started with a nice roll call."

Once again, groans and swears was their answer but Wade just ignored it as he began.

"Ok ummmm, wade? Here. Beautiful, buxom wife who I worship the ground she walks on?"

"Get on with it."

"Here. Jack-jack?"

All eyes turned to the baby as he somehow found his way to the floor and placing his teddy in a figure-four leg lock, saying 'WOOO!' as he did so.

"Here. The kitchen boys?"

A set of three hands slowly rose into the air, two made of metal and one of flesh. These hands belonged to the wilsons' other sons, not blood related. After young Jack-Jack was born, the couple decided that he needed siblings to look up, so they decided to adopted. Who did they adopt? Two of the boys Izumi had already known before she signed the papers: the Elric brothers. The elder brother, Edward sat closest to wade and next to him, still bound to a suit of armor, was his younger brother Alphonse. Next to Al was the third of the Wilson "brothers", the world's most hyperactive, knucklehead ninja, Naruto Uzumaki.

"Here."

"Come on, wade," spoke Ed, "Can we hurry this up? I got plans."

"As do I." added Al.

"Yeah, me and Sakura were gonna watch a movie together."

"And we haven't had time together since the Quill wedding."

The voice belonged to Naruto's girlfriend, who also works at the restaurant as a dishwasher, Sakura Haruno.

"Wait a minute!" said Wade. "Didn't Naruto hook up with that big boobed chick with the white eyes?"

Naruto and Sakura had been dating since the end of the war, mainly when he introduced her as his girlfriend to his father.

"Um that's not right. They totally hooked up after the war when Sakura went back to that crazy emo ninja."

Yes, Naruto and Sakura's relationship is a testament to true love and devotion.

"Dude, I know you are pissed at Kishimoto for fucking up the ending but this is a bit much, don't you-"

And if a certain mercenary didn't shut his scarred-up trap, he will find all of his Bea Arthur porn replaced with pics of Wolverine covered in Canadian maple syrup.

"You wouldn't." he asked in a worried utterance. And worried he should be for the author was already in the process of turning all of the pics of his beloved actress into ones of a short, hairy Canadian mutant.

"...Ok, I won't keep you two little lovebirds any more than I have," Said Wade, now with an appropriate change of heart. "Alright, my boys are here. How about those waiters?"

The answer came from a loud, powerful voice that shook the very table they all sat at. "FOOLISH WILSON! YOU WILL SHOW DOOM THE PROPER RESPECT!"

It was Doctor Doom.

Yes, that Doctor Doom.

'Super-villain extraordinaire' Doctor Doom.

'Ruler of Latveria' Doctor Doom.

'Nemesis of the Fantastic Four' Doctor Doom.

Indeed, one of the marvel universe's greatest and most dangerous super-villains, a man who through his own intellect and sheer force of will transformed a small European nation in a technological superpower, conquered the world on more than one occasion and attained godlike powers many times...was working as a waiter for Deadpool. Various peopled from his native reality have visited and have pointed out how absurd it was. That is, after they were done laughing at him. No one but Doom and Wade knows the exact details as how and why the super-genius would work such a job for such a person and neither are taking. Nevertheless, Victor was a diligent and dutiful worker and Izumi made sure he always got the right pay. Although she didn't care for his grandstanding or pontificating when he takes orders.

"Now now, Victor. What have I said about loud proclamations of your status?"

The new female voice seem to have a effect on the tyranny-turned-waiter. He looked back at the diminutive, pink haired woman seated next to him. She wasn't angry with him, given the knowing smile on her face.

"B-but honey..." he said in a quieter voice than before.

"Victor..." she chided. The armored covered villain slunk back into his seat with a pout. Well, what one could call a pout since no one could see his face beyond his mask.

"Doom is here," he finally spoke, highly subdued.

The woman in question was Doom's wife, Washu. The tiny woman hailed from the Tenchi Muyo universe where she was considered it's undisputed greatest super-genius. A woman who once created a weapon capable wiping out said universe simply because she was bored. She and Doom met several years ago when he was traveling across the multi-verse in search an object of power to help him in quest to prove his superiority over the "accursed Richards". He happened upon Washu's lab in the residence of the Masaki family. She was impressed that a mere human could not only breach her lab but understand quite a few of the various projects and experiments that littered the lab. His bravado and self-confidence that some times crossed over into extreme egomania was very appealing to her. It also didn't hurt Doom could turn on the charm like nobody's business. They were married the next day.

Now Washu was one of the few people would reign Doom when was being...well, Doom of course. Mainly because, while he would never openly admit it to anyone, his wife was smarter than him. No matter what he thought up, the Chousin either thought of it first or invented it first. Washu was the big brain of the family but you wouldn't know that Doom didn't mind it.

"Tin grin is here. Goodie. Now...where's my princess?"

"Right here, daddy!"

The energetic and bubbly response came from Orihime Inoue, the beautiful and slightly ditsy girl from the Bleach universe. She was a knockout alright: long reddish blonde hair, ample figure, adorable gray eyes, a light honest voice, and her large set of breast that bounced when she was excited. She was an honest girl, always caring and kind to all who met her and lacking any kind of meanness or cruelty in her heart. Her only failings, if you can call them that, were her very wild imagination and her strange taste in food, hence why she was the hostess instead working anywhere near the kitchen.

And yes, you heard it right. She called Wade 'daddy'. And it's true. Wade is her biological father, a result of a one night stand with her mother, the assassin known as Typhoid Mary. Wade regrets it because he doesn't like her. He doesn't like looking at her, talking to her, thinking about her, or even reminding himself that this woman still existed. Outside of his wife, Mary is possibly the only person Deadpool fears. But the one good thing that came out of that time was his daughter. He adored his daughter and jumped at the chance to have her around at the restaurant. His sons looked out for her when they found her in one of her 'daydreams'. Izumi liked her as well. Serving as hostess, her bubbly personality and good looks made her perfect for greeting guests.

"Did you find Suplex city yet, daddy?" she asked.

"Not yet princess. But when I do, ROADTRIP!"

"YAY!"

"I believe you informed many times that this so-called 'Suplex city' does not exist. You continue to showcase how foolish you truly are, Wade Wilson."

The cold, apathetic voice brought Wade out of his good mood. It belong to the young black-haired, green-eyed, pale-skinned man that sat dutifully next to his little girl. This dower gentleman was Ulquiorra Cifer, Arrancar, former 4th Espada in Aizen's army and Orihime husband.

"No one asked you, emo-boy!" Wade yelled at his son-in-law. The young man wasn't fazed in the slightest, still holding the same passive emotionless expression he always had.

"I do not understand why you continue to use that title with me, Wilson. I am neither emotional nor depressive. I just have no tolerance for trash."

"Then I guess you don't look in the mirror too much," he said under his breath. A large green flash of light streaked across the room and impacting with Wade's skull. His head exploded, splattering his brains and blood across the back wall.

"ULQUIORRA?!" Orihime yelled at her husband, a small bit of smoke emanating from his extended index finger. That was a Cero, a pure concentration of spiritual energy that can be fired into a beam of high destructive power. It was a common technique known to all Hollows and Arrancars and Ulquiorra was very good at it. What someone not use to the goings-on of this establishment would note is that no one seem to be overly shocked or concerned about their boss' head exploding into a fine coat of paint on the walls. They were all use to it, sadly. It was no secret that Wade and Ulquiorra did not like each other. Wade thought his daughter could do better than some "emo ghost" and Ulquiorra thought he was just "insane trash". This resulted in altercations that resulted in the 'cero-to-the-head' situation that you see now.

"My finger slipped," he offered to his wife as a explanation. Something he always did when he blow off her father's head. A few seconds later, Wade pulled himself back to the table, his head having already finished regenerating.

"If that didn't totally just clear out my sinuses, I'd be...really upset."

His threat fell on deaf ears as Ulquiorra was being calmly chastised by his wife. Meanwhile, Wade cleared his newly regrown throat before continuing.

"Alright! How about our cooks?"

Everyone's attentions turned towards the three cooks in the rooms, two seated and one standing coolly against the wall.

"Um here, Mr. Wilson." the voice belonged to Komatsu, a young talent chef from the Toriko universe. He was very unassuming, almost average looks and build. In fact, next to Washu, he was the shortest employee in the whole place. But that's not to say his cooking talent was minuscule. Komatsu was a highly skilled chef since in his world, chefs were nation heroes and icons. Having traveled and befriended one of the greatest gourmet hunters in the world, he wasn't really bothered by the daily craziness that was the norm around here. He jumped at the chance to cook at a inter-dimensional restaurant, wanting to really put his skills to the test.

"Yeah, I'm here too." Seated next to him was a teenage in dark blue spiritual robes. This was Yoshimori Sumimura and he was a Kekkaishi, which was a type of demon exterminator. In his home universe, he, along with his neighbor and crush Tokine Yukimura, protected the land of Karasumori from demons who sought to use its tremendous powers for their own personal gains. When he wasn't hunting and killing demons, Yoshimori could be found in the kitchen cooking up a storm and making delicious cakes and pastries for his family. The reasons why he took this job is A) he could bake and cook without anyone bothering about his duties and B) he was saving up for a date with Tokine. If he ever got the nerve to ask her, that is.

"I'm here, you red bastard!" The swear came from the last of the 3 cooks. The head chef of the wilsons' family restaurant and cook for the straw-hat pirates, 'Blackleg' Sanji. From his well-tailor pinstripe suit, his dirty blonde hair that covered his right eye, goatee, to his ever present cigarette, the pirate was the picture of cool. He had no qualms about cursing out the boss as you can see.

"Hey! We got kids here! Watch your mouth!"

"You curse more than me, Wade!"

"I fucking do not fuckin' curse more than your bitch ass you craptastical shit-stain! And I'll kick your bitching bitch ass, bitch!"

All eyes were on Wade with pointed looks.

"Oh. OK, I guess you got a point...bitch."

"Cool it, Sanji. Let's get through this fast so we can all go home," said Izumi Upon hearing the voice of his lovely boss, the cool image that the blonde had was shattered as he jumped around, grinning like an idiot with hearts in his one visible eye.

"WHATEVER YOU SAY, LADY IZUMI!" he exclaimed like a love sick idiot. Honestly the ladies were the only reason that Sanji worked there and the women knew it. They knew just what to say to the love cook to get him to do whatever they wanted.

"While he's drowning in his own lust, let's get the final name on the list. Where is our bartender?"

"Optimus Prime, present and accounted for."

Yes. You heard me. Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots and keeper of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, was the restaurant's barkeep. No one really questions why a war-hero and champion of justice throughout reality would be serving booze to people. It would seem even stranger that a robot was serving drinks to organic lifeforms. But again, no one really questions it. Prime was squeezed in the far back of the room. Once again, no one really questioned how he was able to fit his massive form in the room.

"Looks like everyone's here," said Wade, eating the attendance sheet. Why? Because I'm a petty bastard. "So any new business?"

Naruto raised his hand first. "Point of order," he began, "Someone keeps messing up the restrooms. It's hard to clean up."

"Why are you complaining?" asked Ed. "Can't you just make clones or something to make it go by faster?"

"Not when it's everywhere. And green! Really green!"

Izumi sighed. "I know who it is. It's hulk. You always invite him over for burrito night, Wade."

"Hun, he's a friend, a bro, a road-dog. How can I not hook up a buddy with tasty Mexican food?"

"He's not your buddy."

"Well, he's a ally."

"Not an ally either."

"Acquaintance? Well-wisher? Non-sexual life partner?"

"Wade..."

"Fine! I barely know the guy! But he's a big, green rage monster! If I don't, he'd grin me into wade butter! Hmmmmmm, that's not a bad idea for a product. 'I can't believe it's not wade butter!' yeah. I could totally get Brad Pitt to sell the stuff."

"Doom agrees with the, ahem, 'ninja'," Victor said, getting the stink-eye from both Konoha shinobi, "Banner's rancid bowel movements need to be curtailed!"

"Fine. I'll see what I can do. But if hulk comes here and asks for burritos, you'll deal with it." Doom didn't seem too bothered by his order. "Anything else?"

"Point of order," it was Washu's turn to speak. "The Doctor has been calling me a lot lately. He wants to know when are you gonna get his Tardis."

"Still?" whined Wade, "I thought they brought that back."

"Apparently not. He says it's been missing for the last 3 weeks."

Washu was referring to an incident that happened several weeks ago. The restaurant was hosting the Armstrong/Quill wedding when The Time-lord had his beloved ship stolen by some unknown parties. Witnesses say that the last two people to be seen with the Tardis was the demon hunter Dante and the vampire agent of the Hellsing organization Alucard. Since then, the ship has been seen throughout space and time with the sounds of partying emanating from behind its wooden doors. That and the smell of, what one witness called, "sex, guns, and shame". Since then, The Doctor had been hitch rides across time in what he deemed "lesser time machines". Just last week, he and Doc brown got into a heated argument about the effects of jello pudding on the time vortex.

"Bah!" snapped Doom. " It is the alien's own fault for allowing that idiotic bounty hunter and that psychotic vampire even near that machine. A vessel of such power should have been more guarded."

"Look who's talking," spoke Naruto, "I bet you were planning on stealing it for yourself."

The genius merely crossed his arms as he leaned back in his chair. "Doom will not dignify that with a answer."

"Point of order," said Komatsu, "Someone's been sneaking hot wings from the fridge. We had 10 packs for the week and now we are down to 5."

Eyes fell to Wade. "Don't look at me," he defended, "The old ball-and-chain has forbidden me from eating them."

Izumi nodded, ignoring the slight insult. "It's true. Since that night a few months ago, he's not to have hot wings. I will not have an encore of 'The night of a Thousand Farts."

"I regret nothing."

Sanji finished his 4th cigarette before he spoke up. "It was probably Doom."

"How dare you!" the armored tyrant roar, leaping from his seat. "Doom will not be insulted by some perverted pirate cook! Doom is not some...junk food junkie! If Doom wishes, he could buy 1000 bags of-" his tirade was halted by Sakura leaning over the table and sniffing his breath.

"Uh huh. Buffalo sauce. Doom did it."

Washu gasped. "Victor!?"

Just like that, the proud bluster of Dr, Doom deflated into the image of a small child who had been caught eating cookies late at night. "...Doom is sorry. Doom has a problem."

"Damn right, it's your problem," yelled the pirate. "They're one of our best sellers!"

"Those bags are coming out of your salary," barked Mrs. Wilson.

"See? All the crazy shit isn't always my fault. Honestly, I was gonna blame emo boy down there. Honestly, he looks like the type to steal and eat while listening to Linkin Park."

His comment earned him a cero to the head.

"ULQUIORRA!" yelled Orihime.

"...There was a fly on his nose."

"A cero?!"

"...It was a large fly."

After the obligatory minute for Wade's head to regenerate, he got back to his feet, muttering something about 'that damn emo'. Just then, Optimus raised his hand.

"Point of order, we need to talk about something, Wade."

"I told you before, those rims for your wheels will take at least another week or more, vato," he said in a very fake, very cheesy Hispanic accent.

"That can wait until later. I need to discuss your over-use of my matrix of leadership."

"Whatchu talkin' bout, Prime?"

"You keep asking me to light your darkest hour and frankly, it's getting quite annoying."

"You are just imagining things. I do not abuse your chest bling."

"Yes you do, Wade."

"Oh yeah? Name one time I did."

"It was two weeks ago..."

* * *

 _Two weeks ago..._

"A _hh another day. Another dollar from serving organics," he commented to no one in particular as he finished cleaning the last mug on the bar. With only 10 patrons, it was something of a slow day for the transformer. That is until a massive explosion rocked the building._

"W _hat in the name of Primus?!" he exclaimed. Before he could have a chance to transform and roll out, in ran Wade. It wasn't anything new for the merc and mass destruction to go hand in hand but this time was a tad bit different. Deadpool was dressed in a tutu, covered head to toe in blood, and carrying the severed head of Tom Hanks on a stick._

" _P_ _rime," he started, totally, out of breath, "Don't ask any questions! Just light our darkest hour!"_

" _D_ _o I even want to know?" the Autobot asked. The sound of what could be called a pissed off Teletubby erupted from outside, spooking the merc even more._

" _H_ _onestly, by the time I explain it to you, we'll already be knee-deep in...just do the thing!"_

 _Prime sighed. "Fine but this is the last time, Wade."_

" _I promise! Now hurry! I think they caught my scent!"_

 _With that, the chest of prime opened up to expose the matrix, accompanied by 'The Touch' by Stan Bush._

"O _h, matrix of leadership, I beg you to light our darkest hour and bring us victory!"_

* * *

 _present time_

"And everything turned out alright," said Wade.

"Wade, do you know how long it takes to recharge this thing? 200 stellar cycles. And I have to pay royalties to Stan Bush every time. I swear, he fucks me right up the ass."

Prime was in a foul mood and he was right to be for you see, that particular incident involved...wait a minute.

"What?"

Did...did Optimus Prime just drop an F-bomb?

"Yeah. And?"

Optimus prime doesn't swear.

"Sure he does. They cursed up a storm in the transformers movie. And I mean the good transformers movie. Not the bay-formers."

Yeah but that wasn't Optimus swearing. The Prime I know doesn't swear!

"Oh! That was the old Prime. This is the 'Dr. Smoov' Prime. This one swears up a storm."

…...My childhood. My pour childhood.

"Oh hush up, ya big bitch. You're almost done with the chapter."

Prime, despite the interruption, continued his complaint. "personally speaking, I'm surprised Primus hasn't gotten upset that I'm using his power like that so often."

"Speaking of that..." said Komatsu, retrieving a large blueberry from the portable cooler Toriko gave him, "Here you go, Optimus."

The Autobot leader opened his chest once again to revealed his coveted Matrix of Leadership. After a few seconds, a bright flash of light erupted from the core as a impossibly huge metallic hand extended from the light and took hold of the baked pastry. Suddenly, the loud booming voice of the god of all transformers rumbled, shaking the very foundations of buildings and causing to cover their ears. Now, normally, hearing the voice of Primus can be both humbling and frightening but the words he spoke kind of took the grandeur out of it. It was just three words but those words were enough to baffle anyone who heard it from the god.

" **PRIMUS DEMANDS PIE!"**

After that, his hand, firmed grasping his delicious tribute, retreated back into the Matrix, shutting Optimus' chest with a small clack.

"I thank you, Komatsu, as does the god that lives inside my chest."

Wade, along with everyone else, cleared his ears. "Ouch! Don't need those pesky eardrums. Oh well! So any other new business?"

He was met with silence. "Good. Now let's the fuck out of here. We all got places to go, peoples to see, sins to commit."

"Wait a minute, buster," spoke Izumi. "We still have one more piece of business to take care of. Something that's been staring us in the face for months and it needs to be taken care of."

"Hun, if it's about that dead clown under our bed..." he started but his wife stopped him mid-sentence.

"No, no, not that. Besides, it's my fault. Damn thing surprised me when I was on the toilet," she said, shaking her head in shame. " No, this has to do with our competition."

"What? You mean Naruto's boyfriend across the street?"

The ninja roared. "Wade, he is not my boyfriend!"

"Could've fooled me with how much you hound him," shot Wade, "besides, that's legal now. Isn't that nice?"

"Wade, you red bastard! Izumi, do something about this?"

"Naruto, I just want you to know that regardless of your sexuality, we will love you all the same," said his adopted mother with a total serious face.

"That's right. You're still our brother, Naruto," Al chimed in next.

"Yeah, even if you let ol' duck-butt across the street pound your orange ass," added Ed.

"You dick-wads!"

"If you and the Uchiha boy decide to get married, Doom can officiate as the monarch of Latveria. I assure you, the ceremony will be most respectful," said Doom.

"You can eat a dick, tin-face!"

"Did you hear that, Ully?" Orihime as her husband, smiling as happily and brightly as a child on Christmas morning. "I'm getting another brother!"

"I do not mind his choice of mates," the Arrancar spoke, "but I will warn you, Naruto: if the Uchiha boy boosts about the power of his clan even once, I shall remove his eyes from his skull."

"Not you too," he whined. He turned to Sakura, who was looking at him as wondering about his sexuality. "Sakura, you believe me? You got to! You know I'd never play for the other team! At least not with Sasuke! Right? Right?"

"Of course I believe you, dear," she said. "I mean who in their right mind would want to watch you and Sasuke have sex-" her words became caught in her throat. Then her face turned a bright shade of pink and perverted smile grew upon her lips. She was obviously thinking of her boyfriend and her first crush in the throws of passionate love making.

"No, Sakura..." the blonde whined.

"What?" she said as she snapped out of her day dream. "A girl can dream. But hey! My birthday's coming up and you always say I'm hard to shop for..."

Naruto merely laid his head on the table, the sounds of his weeping mixing with the sniggers of his brothers and Doom.

"Ahh kids," said Wade proudly. "Anyway, what about emo-boy, Hun? What's to worry about? People rarely go there. It's a wonder they are still open."

"True but he's always over there at the balcony, watching with his goggles. I don't like the way he watches the place."

"I'm sure he's just looking over to admire your sweet juicy rack." this earned him a punch in the arm, breaking it in 5 places.

"Even so, it's almost like he planning something."

Her husband waved it off with his dangling arm. "he's not planning anything. He's probably over there right now doing something else...like going to the bathroom or...popping his pimples or...eating cheese. He should be eating cheese. I mean, who doesn't love cheese? Cheese is good. I could go for some cheese. Who wants some cheese? I'm getting cheese."

* * *

Across the street from the Wilsons' restaurant lies their only known competition; Sasuke's Seafood Shack, or S3 for short. It had a great cocktail shrimp, a nice fried catfish sandwich, and some of the best oysters this side of the DC universe. Still, despite these advantages, the eatery was a ghost town, rarely 3 visitors a week. Why? Well it has something to do with its young owner, who was currently standing on the second floor balcony, eyes peering through a pair of binoculars at the rival restaurant This was the last member of the Uchiha clan, Naruto and Sakura's former teammate, Sasuke Uchiha.

"You think you are so special," he muttered to himself, "With your big titted wife, and your kids, and your big robot! But soon, soon, you will be out of business and the multi-verse will know the superiority of our seafood as well as the power of Uchiha!"

"APAPAPAPAPAPAPAPA!" his mad mutterings were broken by the call of one of the strangest beings he had ever come across in his time in this insane realm of reality. Just behind up walked a tall mountain of a man, tan and muscular with a simple white shirt and brown shorts and tape wrapped around his hands and bear feet. But in contrast to his impressive physic, he had the look of a simple child which matched his personality.

This was Apachai Hopachai, the Muay Thai 'God of Death' and one of the master of the Ryozanpaku dojo. This man-child was one of the most powerful martial artist in his world, a dangerous fighter even when holding back. And now, he was Sasuke's self-proclaimed best friend.

Why? Because I'm an asshole.

"Sasuke!" the fighter chirped in his high childish voice, "look what I found in the street!"

The ninja glanced back at him. He was holding a marble. "good for you. You found a-"

"A Dragonball!" he finished. "I found a Dragonball! If I find six more, I can get a free wish."

Once again, Sasuke found himself fighting the urge to kill the man-child. "That's not a Dragonball, Apachai It's a marble."

"You sure?"

"Yes. It's a marble."

"Maybe it's a baby Dragonball"

"A baby...Apachai! Have you ever seen a Dragonball before?" he asked exasperated.

"No. have you?"

"Not in person," he answered, "But I know what they look like."

"In that case, maybe you haven't seen a baby Dragonball"

Sasuke sighed. "Apachai, when God was giving out stupid, you went back for 3rds."

"I don't know what stupid is but it sounds tasty. Can we get it on the menu?"

"Itachi, give me strength," he silently prayed to his deceased older brother. "Never-mind that thing! Get over here so we can plan for tomorrow night."

"Gee, Sasuke, what are we doing tomorrow night?"

"The same thing we do everything..." he spoke loudly, "TRY TO RUN WADE OUT OF BUSINESS!"

(cue _Pinky and The Brain_ theme song)

 _They're Sasuke and Apachai_

 _Sasuke and Apachai_

 _One is a ninja_

 _The other's Apachai_

 _To prove he's not a fool_

 _They'll drive out Deadpool_

 _They're machai_

 _Sasuke and apa-pa-pa-pachai_

 _APA!_

"I swear I will find where wade put that song and make him choke on it!" fumed the Uchiha.

"I like it! Let's sing it again!"

"Quiet Apachai! I've finally devised the perfect plan to drive Wilson and his clan from this place forever. First, we will hire an army of clowns to-"

"SASUKE DEAR! WHERE ARE YOU?" the voice was sickeningly sweet and horrifically cheerful in its tone. And yet, the fearless Sasuke Uchiha, who betrayed and killed without batting an eye, had a look of utter dread and terror on his normally impassive face. He was frightened beyond all that one could be considered frightening. He knew the owner of that voice. He knew she wanted to see him. And he knew what that meant. Rolling up his sleeves, he revealed the reverse summon seal on his arm and quickly began to the ritual.

"You did not see me! I was not here!" he ordered his sidekick. The master nodded at his order before the ninja vanished in a puff of smoke. And it was just in time too as the owner of the voice walked up the stairs and onto the balcony. Her appearance matched her sweet voice: a flowing pink Lolita dress with matching boots and finger-less gloves. Her hair was long and blonde, tied in twin pigtails and accented with a large bow on her forehead. She had one visible eye, the other covered by a purple eye-patch.

She was the grand couturier of the Revocs Corporation, Nui Harime and in contrast to her appearance and personality, she was a total psychopath, powerful and dangerous who in her own words, "could go wherever she wants to go and no one can stop her". She is completely unaware and unconcerned with the feelings and lives of the people she hurts and kills.

And she's Sasuke's blushing bride.

Why would he marry a total monster like Nui? Again, because I'm a asshole.

"Apachai, have you seen Sasuke?" she asked, dragging her massive scissor-blade behind her. "I'm making him a new suit made of life-fibers and it will need quite a bit of his blood. That man of mine bleeds so easily!"

"APA!" he uttered. "Sasuke said that he wasn't here and I didn't see him. And since Sasuke told me to say that to you, it must be right."

This revelation didn't seem to bother her. In fact, she seemed to smile even more. "Oh that boy! Almost makes me want to break his legs so he can't run away. Oh well. He'll have to come back eventual."

"Why's that, Nui?"

"Because once he starts crapping blood from the highly powerful laxative I snuck into his dinner today, he'll have to come back for the antidote."

"I don't like crapping blood. It sucks. Can we play with Minecraft?"

"Of course we can! And soon, Sasuke will join us when he's crawling on his hands and knees, covered in his own blood and fecal matter."

"APAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPAPA!"

* * *

yes. You just read that. I probably broke your brain with the amount of insanity I just exposed you to. And I'm sorry. As for the pain Sasuke must endure? I'm not sorry for that. Lol. I told you. I'm an asshole. Well I hope you enjoyed my first comedy fic starring the merc with the mouth and his wacky family. Don't know if I will continue this but if I get enough reviews, I may. Also, check out my YouTube channel for updates on my fics and such.

channel/UCf136ekczqeaG03-N0GUHZg

so until the next time...LATER FICCERS!


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